Pro-Choice Catholic Testimony

I am a practicing Catholic who teaches Sunday school, and I have had two abortions late in pregnancy. I married a wonderful man in order to fulfill my desire to become a mother. Shortly after our wedding, I became pregnant. I prayed and decided that it was the Lord’s will. Throughout my pregnancy I had a sense of forewarning that I felt came from the Holy Spirit. I felt that I knew that my baby was a son and felt that he was unhealthy. I went to my 32-week scan thinking that there was nothing wrong and that my concerns were just paranoia. I was wrong. My child was incompatible with life. He was diagnosed with hydrocephalus, agenesis of the corpus callosum, abducted thumbs, blindness, deafness, and multiple hemorrhages. I was sent in for additional MRI scans and met with the head of the OB-GYN department of an internationally known hospital. There was no hope. He would die in pain.

I was distraught, bewildered, and angry at our Lord. Why would the Lord bring my son into this world to suffer and die without any chance of hope? The Lord had a choice to be crucified and so did Mother Mary. She had a choice to bear a child who would suffer tremendously, but in return, she would offer the world the greatest hope man could know. The Lord has blessed me graciously throughout my life — was this my test? I am not Mother Mary.

I decided to call one of the two abortion clinics that did third-trimester procedures in the country and traveled. During the procedure, as my heart rate increased, so did my son’s seizures. I felt a few movements, and he was gone, with Christ. I broke down. When I gave birth, the hydrocephalus that affected him was plain to see. My son — Joshua — died in peace.

I felt shame due to the manipulation of the church that what I did was wrong. My family supported me, and so did some priests and nuns. I had him baptized postmortem in my grief by a Catholic priest who tends to dying children. I was not allowed to record the ceremony because he was afraid of being defrocked. He told me that I did the right thing. He was a wonderful man to go to NICUs and PICUs and tend to children who have no hope of living to adulthood. He knew pain, and he was happy that Joshua felt none and went to the Lord in peace.

I love Joshua, my son, and I think of him every day. I was told that he was a genetic anomaly and to try again naturally when I was ready, so in 2018, I did. My second son, Graceson, was sicklier than Joshua. I went to two hospitals and met with perinatal surgeons, pediatric neurologists, geneticists, and social workers. There was no hope: He was incompatible with life. I ended the pregnancy after much thought and consideration. I once again refused a D&C and had his body blessed. I sent his body for testing. Graceson’s MRI reports’ complications were a replica of Joshua’s. Even with the best medical care, my boys would not have become toddlers.

My boys and I were diagnosed with LICAM syndrome, a rare genetic disorder that affects the ability to have healthy sons. As my family and I were sitting with a perinatal surgeon who was letting us know there was no hope, he advised that we do PGD testing through IVF. As my father was discussing the Christian ethics behind PGD IVF, and I was literally on the verge of a mental breakdown, I thought of a verse: Philippians 4:19. In that moment I believe that the Lord saved me from having a full-on psychotic break. I do not regret my decisions. I refused to continue my pregnancies due to some draconian dogma. I love my boys, so I set them free.

I went through with PGD IVF in 2019. In 2020, I had a LICAM-free, healthy baby girl. She is a joy to everyone she meets and an excellent student. In 2022, miraculously, I had a healthy, capable, loving, friendly, and extremely intelligent son. God is good all the time, and God is perfect in His timing. My children are thriving, and I am often complimented on my mothering by teachers and people with religious vocations. I am humbled to be given the gift of motherhood.

When the Catholic church feels like home to youth, they will stay. Women, especially, will participate, and they will spread the Gospel. If the church alienates women and those who love them, then there is no hope for the future. The reality of the situation is that women will die if not given proper care, which includes contraception; they will be shunned for having a “cursed womb” for infertility issues, and they will find other means to end pregnancies. Then, they will leave the church.

Faithful married and Catholic women have abortions all the time, and that is the reality. The church advises us to use our God-given conscience to make decisions for ourselves and our families. The Lord gave us free will: Let us make our decisions and bear the consequences.